Being a Step-Parent

So far my blog has been mostly me talking about my life, and what is going on.  Nothing too extreme or interesting in any way shape or form.

Well for a while now I've been looking on Facebook and seeing a lot of my single parent friends make comments about the non custodial parents, and other step parents make posts about dealing with baby mama, or baby daddy drama.

Now, I'm a step-parent and have been officially one for 5 years, unofficially for 7.  Lots of time I like to offer advice to others about how to be a step-parent.  So I thought about turning it into a blog, but before I get into all of that.  Let me tell you the story of how I came to be a step-parent.  It's not pretty, I'm not proud of some of the things I've done, but it all turned out beautifully and I love my life.

It all started about 7 years ago.  I was married to a man who was still a child, and was looking for someone to take care of him.  His weed and his friends meant more to him than I did.  I worked a full time job, and went to school full time pulling 13 hour days Monday - Saturday.  During that time I meet my current husband, and he was still married to his first wife.  Things weren't going great in their marriage either.  I won't go into details, that's her story to tell, but we were both looking for ways out.

Things came to a head with my husband and I, and I left him.  I had other places to stay, but in my short sightedness, I did not think I had one so I went to live with my current husband and his wife.  Let me tell you something, this is a BAD idea.  The drama that ensued afterward probably took about 15 years off everyone's life that was in that house, however I meet the boys for the first time, and even changed my first diaper, while everyone laughed at me because I was 25 years old and never changed a diaper.

7 months later things came to a major head and everything came out in the open, and everyone officially knew everything.  I am almost positive that my husband's ex-wife knew, but she didn't say anything.  My husband said that he wanted to work on the relationship with his first wife, and I had to go.  So I went with a broken heart and started to live life on my own.  Then about two weeks later, I get a call, his ex-wife said they needed to talk and he thought this was it.  Now during my stay there, they said this pretty much every month and they always worked it and I said so, but if he needed a place to stay, to call me to get directions.

I did not expect to get a call, and was planning on heading to bed, when I got a call and he was on his way. So I gave him directions.  We spent the weekend together and we've been together ever since. At the time Dan was wanting to just leave everything behind and start a new life, it seemed easier.  Thank goodness for his ex-wife who said NO, these boys need you and you will be a part of their lives, and so it began.

At that time we all kind of made a silent agreement to do stuff for the kids.  Both my husband and his ex-wife  went to the SMILE course that was required for their divorce and they actually paid attention to it.  Now the emotions between us and her were a roller coaster, but we always made sure to do what is best for the kids.  

I can not tell you enough how important it is for everyone to make sure what they are doing is what is best for the kids.  

In my blog I will still talk about my day to day activities, but also my adventures as a step-parent and the adventures of the other step-parents I know.   So my first word of advice is that you will never match up to the birth parent.  No matter what.

There are a few exceptions to the rule, but for the most part the kids will always want their birth parent.  I've seen this in a lot of different aspects.  No matter how the step parent is far superior to the birth parent in parenting skills, the birth parent is before you.  I have seen where the birth parent has said that they do not have time to see their children to the actual child, and the step parent comes in and saves the day.  The second the birth parent says yeah I'll see you if I have to, the birth child will go with the birth parent.  You could be the most awesome step-parent in the world, but kids want their mom or dad.

Sometimes this is not the case when the child doesn't know their parent.  When the birth parent has never even met the child.  Unfortunately this happens more than not, and it irks me that people are like that. That's another rant for another day.

Here's the thing, no matter what do not try to be the parent because you are not the parent. You are the step-parent.  By trying to be the parent or be better than the parent because you are just putting the child in a spot that is not good for them.  You're forcing the child to choose between two people that they love.  Don't ask them what their parent is doing or who do like better, or anything that would put their parent down, because they are just going to say what they think you want to hear because they do not want to make you mad or hurt your feelings, and then if you bring it up in front of the parent that really makes the child uncomfortable.

The most important thing you can do in this situation is to simply be there for the kid.  Listen to them, do not be judgmental and do not speak badly about their birth parent in front of them. When was the last time you wanted to hear something bad about the person you love and love the person saying it too much that you didn't want to say anything to stop them?  Sounds like an awkward position right?  Do you want to put a young kid in that position?

Well what about when the kid doesn't like you?  Well that's in our next installment.  Have a great week!