Being a Step-Parent

So far my blog has been mostly me talking about my life, and what is going on.  Nothing too extreme or interesting in any way shape or form.

Well for a while now I've been looking on Facebook and seeing a lot of my single parent friends make comments about the non custodial parents, and other step parents make posts about dealing with baby mama, or baby daddy drama.

Now, I'm a step-parent and have been officially one for 5 years, unofficially for 7.  Lots of time I like to offer advice to others about how to be a step-parent.  So I thought about turning it into a blog, but before I get into all of that.  Let me tell you the story of how I came to be a step-parent.  It's not pretty, I'm not proud of some of the things I've done, but it all turned out beautifully and I love my life.

It all started about 7 years ago.  I was married to a man who was still a child, and was looking for someone to take care of him.  His weed and his friends meant more to him than I did.  I worked a full time job, and went to school full time pulling 13 hour days Monday - Saturday.  During that time I meet my current husband, and he was still married to his first wife.  Things weren't going great in their marriage either.  I won't go into details, that's her story to tell, but we were both looking for ways out.

Things came to a head with my husband and I, and I left him.  I had other places to stay, but in my short sightedness, I did not think I had one so I went to live with my current husband and his wife.  Let me tell you something, this is a BAD idea.  The drama that ensued afterward probably took about 15 years off everyone's life that was in that house, however I meet the boys for the first time, and even changed my first diaper, while everyone laughed at me because I was 25 years old and never changed a diaper.

7 months later things came to a major head and everything came out in the open, and everyone officially knew everything.  I am almost positive that my husband's ex-wife knew, but she didn't say anything.  My husband said that he wanted to work on the relationship with his first wife, and I had to go.  So I went with a broken heart and started to live life on my own.  Then about two weeks later, I get a call, his ex-wife said they needed to talk and he thought this was it.  Now during my stay there, they said this pretty much every month and they always worked it and I said so, but if he needed a place to stay, to call me to get directions.

I did not expect to get a call, and was planning on heading to bed, when I got a call and he was on his way. So I gave him directions.  We spent the weekend together and we've been together ever since. At the time Dan was wanting to just leave everything behind and start a new life, it seemed easier.  Thank goodness for his ex-wife who said NO, these boys need you and you will be a part of their lives, and so it began.

At that time we all kind of made a silent agreement to do stuff for the kids.  Both my husband and his ex-wife  went to the SMILE course that was required for their divorce and they actually paid attention to it.  Now the emotions between us and her were a roller coaster, but we always made sure to do what is best for the kids.  

I can not tell you enough how important it is for everyone to make sure what they are doing is what is best for the kids.  

In my blog I will still talk about my day to day activities, but also my adventures as a step-parent and the adventures of the other step-parents I know.   So my first word of advice is that you will never match up to the birth parent.  No matter what.

There are a few exceptions to the rule, but for the most part the kids will always want their birth parent.  I've seen this in a lot of different aspects.  No matter how the step parent is far superior to the birth parent in parenting skills, the birth parent is before you.  I have seen where the birth parent has said that they do not have time to see their children to the actual child, and the step parent comes in and saves the day.  The second the birth parent says yeah I'll see you if I have to, the birth child will go with the birth parent.  You could be the most awesome step-parent in the world, but kids want their mom or dad.

Sometimes this is not the case when the child doesn't know their parent.  When the birth parent has never even met the child.  Unfortunately this happens more than not, and it irks me that people are like that. That's another rant for another day.

Here's the thing, no matter what do not try to be the parent because you are not the parent. You are the step-parent.  By trying to be the parent or be better than the parent because you are just putting the child in a spot that is not good for them.  You're forcing the child to choose between two people that they love.  Don't ask them what their parent is doing or who do like better, or anything that would put their parent down, because they are just going to say what they think you want to hear because they do not want to make you mad or hurt your feelings, and then if you bring it up in front of the parent that really makes the child uncomfortable.

The most important thing you can do in this situation is to simply be there for the kid.  Listen to them, do not be judgmental and do not speak badly about their birth parent in front of them. When was the last time you wanted to hear something bad about the person you love and love the person saying it too much that you didn't want to say anything to stop them?  Sounds like an awkward position right?  Do you want to put a young kid in that position?

Well what about when the kid doesn't like you?  Well that's in our next installment.  Have a great week!

Just some random musings

So it’s been a while since I updated… and I figure that perhaps it’s time to write something, though I’m not really sure what to write.   I’ve discovered the wonderful thing of pinterest, and I have to say I love it.  Though all the easy projects that are on there, that I say I have to try, will probably never be done because well I am pretty lazy, and I come home from work and all I want to do is crash.

Is it my depression?  Probably.  What do I need to do to get over it?  Who knows… I just feel so.. blargh lately.  There’s nothing that really make me depressed, in all honesty I should be really happy.  I have a loving husband, a few really good friends, an awesome family, I own my home and it’s not getting foreclosed on,  I own the two cars in my driveway, and I’m keeping my head above water.  As long as I keep ignoring all those medical bills. 

Yet, I still feel depressed.  Is there something out there that will fix it?  Probably not, it’s probably chemical, or at least need to come to grips even more that I really will never have my own children.  Most days, I can handle it, most days it doesn’t even phase me, but I find myself looking at my surgery scars lately and sighing.   Physically my life is SOOOO much better since I’ve had my hysterectomy.  I’m no longer completely disabled whenever my periods start have hardly missed a day of work since then. Which is a minor miracle for me.

More than likely I probably need to go to a therapist, but I HAAAATTE talking about my feelings.  I’m so very much like my father in that aspect.  My folks always taught us, just deal with it, move on.  Don’t get hung up on things, and in classic Burchill fashion I’ll grumble and make a face and walk away.   Unless I haven’t had my anti-anxiety pills for a while, and if I have an attack the tears and emotions and words just come flying out of me.

Wedding planning is going well, and I have everything pretty planned, just need to get a few more decorations, and pay for everything.  That’s the hard part, paying for everything.  I’ve done really well, I have a $5000 dollar budget for the wedding, though about 2300 of it is paid for my by folks which will be paid back slowly over time.  

There’s stuff going on in the news that just makes me roll my eyes lately.  People are just getting all bent out of shape over the littlest things.   We had brunch after church on Sunday with some friends of ours, and we started talking about the presidential campaign.  The thing that irks me is all the e-mails and rumors about this that and the other thing about all the candidates.  My mother in law and father are prime examples.  Just because it comes in an e-mail, does not make it true!! In fact if it does come in a forwarded e-mail, I would be extra cautious because of the simple fact that people are stupid.  A person is smart, but people as a whole are stupid.  The whole mob mentality thing, where people justify themselves because someone else did it or sent it, look if you forward an e-mail with crap about Romney or Obama, that means you believe it.  Take 5 mins, and do some research and see if it really is true!   Heck, my father with a master’s degree still believes that Obama swore in on a copy of the Karan, heck 5 mins after looking up things on the internet find out that another republican senator was sworn in on the Karan, and Obama swore in on the Bible in both the senate and as the president. 

And to be honest with you, to me, it doesn’t matter who is president, because The House and Senate are so bogged down in partisan bull crap that nothing gets done anymore.   Each person in the House and Senate are so worried that come next election cycle their opponents will look at them and say, “See he compromised, he’s not a real democrat/republican don’t vote for him, vote for me!”   It’s stupid, and it’s sending this country right to hell in a handbasket.

You’re supposed to be there for the people, to find the best possible solution for all parties involved, and guess what that means?  You have to compromise sometimes, heck you might need to compromise all the time.  Republicans, democrats, tea party, etc etc etc, we all live in this country together.  For the past 100 years we’ve been the epitome of power and strength in the world, and now we’re like the laughing stock, while other countries are taking our jobs and our security.   So grow some balls, and figure out how to make things work.  Plan and simple.

Mr. Limbaugh am I a Slut?

Ok, I don’t normally like to get on my soapbox because everyone is entitled to their opinion, but when you make yourself look like a complete idiot, I need to step up.

Everyone knows Rush Limbaugh, the man is an icon, and self-proclaimed spokesman for the republican party.  Now I’m not republican or democrat, I’m what you call independent.  My vote swings back and forth each election cycle, and I vote for who I think will do the best job, not whether they call themselves republican or democrat (which is a whole other post in and of itself). 

So part of Obama care is that employers pay for birth control for the employees.   It’s the relatively inexpensive pill form.  Not the shot, not one of those thingies you put up your vagoo, just regular help control your hormones birth control.  Yet, many people are quite up in arms about having to pay for this.  Many say it goes against their religion for any form on contraception and others think it’s just a free reign to have sex. Rush Limbaugh seems to think along both of these lines.

There was a law student by the name of Sandra Fluke, who went and testified before congress that having employers or schools pay for birth control helped her out basically saying that a year’s supply of birth control can costs over 3,000 dollars.  She got some flak for it as any one goes before a committee hearing does, but good ole Rush took it to a whole other level.

What does it say about the college coed Susan [sic] Fluke, who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says that she must be paid to have sex? What does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex.
She's having so much sex she can't afford the contraception. She wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex. What does that make us? We're the pimps.
The johns, that's right. We would be the johns — no! We're not the johns. Well — yeah, that's right. Pimp's not the right word.
OK, so, she's not a slut. She's round-heeled. I take it back.

Ok Rush let me tell you my little story, not glamorous, but one that many a woman in this United States, including republicans I assure you, has experienced.

I give fair warning, I’m going to be talking about my girlie time. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

I did not start to have my first period till I was nearly 16.  I was the epitome of what you would call a late bloomer.   My parents and I started to think something might be wrong, but we waited since I had some spotting here and there over the last year.  Finally my real period hit at a summer party at my aunt’s house, and that’s when things started to suck.   

I hurt very badly that day and the cramps were horrible, at least I thought they were.  My mother on the other hand just figured it was because I’d never really experienced them before.   I went through one of my aunt’s regular pads in an hour, and then she gave me a super and I made it home and then I went through supers about every two hours.  Next day, just a little bit of bleeding, and then the third day nothing. 

My period continued like this for the next several months, except I had no symptoms of my period coming until the day of.  I would have horrible fatigue in my legs that it felt like I just ran a marathon.  (on a short side note, the one or two times my periods came during track meets I would run awesome that day).  I would having severe nausea and vomiting, and would go through those super pads in two hours.  Heaven help me, if I had forgotten to bring some pads and would get the ones from the office, and those things didn’t do crap because they would leak through.  I would also have to go home from school for these symptoms, which shot my attendance record all the shizernit.  When I got home, I would be taking 4 ibuprofen every 3 to 4 hours, hot baths and heating pads and sleeping where the only things that would ebb the pain.   After 4 months of this, my mom took me to my first girlie doctor appointment.   Doctor said that my symptoms were not that atypical and that birth control would fix it.  So there I was on birth control at 16.  The difference was sublime.  My periods lasted longer than two days, but I could wear a normal

I was not what one would call one of the “cool kids” in high school.  Several girls would torment me on a regular basis, and I was not asked to hang out with them, and so I spent most of my time in honors bands, or track or swimming, or some other extra-curricular activity.   So I COMPLETELY oblivious to anything about sex.  

Now eventually my senior year in high school, I did have sex, but I didn’t have it because I was on birth control.  No, I succumbed to peer pressure.   By my senior year I had finally grown out of my awkward phase, and I had a steady boyfriend, and a cute one at that! My naïve little mind was way happy about that, considering I’d been called big lips Burchill and a dog since I was in elementary school never thought I’d get one of those.   He’d been around the block a few times, and to impress him I said I had been too.  Finally one day after a heavy make-out session he said want to go into the bedroom, and I said ok.   

Anyways, by the time I got to college I’d been on BC for several years that was covered by my parents insurance.  However, I went through what one would call a personal growth period and dropped out.  There for I was no longer on my parents insurance, and my naïve little mind did not realize this.   So my job sucked, paid just over minimum wage, and it was all I could do to pay rent (was learning how to budget my money the very hard way) and could not afford birth control.  So my wonderful symptoms came back.  My poor ex-husband didn’t know what to do, and my employer was not thrilled about it either as I would have to miss work  However I worked into a routine, I would start to recognize the symptoms and get some Motrin in me and a hot bath to relax the muscles or a heating pad.  I always had lots of back-ups in my car in case something would happen.  I was even starting to work it down to the hour.  After 18 hours my symptoms would improve, and I was normal again.  However if I was somewhere where I could not do my EXACT routine, I was S.O.L.   The vomiting, nausea, dizziness, fatigue, was horrible.

When I got my life back around and got a halfway decent job that offered birth control I was able to get back on them again, and life was WAAAAAAAY better. 

Mr. Limbaugh, as you can see there is a definite cause and effect to me taking birth control and not taking birth control.  Without the birth control, I would miss days of work, ruin clothing, ruin my liver, and be completely miserable 12 days a year.

Now, do you want to call me a slut?

Just not feeling it today

So here we are about 6 months from the wedding.  Planning is in full swing and I think I have pretty much everything planned. I have my dress, my veil, my shoes, and my garter.  I have linens, and table wear set up.  I have my vendors all set up.  We’re getting the flowers all ourselves.  My mom is taking care of the centerpieces.  We have the plan of where we’re going to get all the food.  The easy part is over.  Now we just need to pay for it all.

Ok, I’ll be honest with you, today and yesterday I haven’t felt like doing crap.  I feel exhausted and all I want to do is sleep.  I had a horrible weekend.  I’ll start with the good parts though.

We unexpectedly got the boys Thursday night.  They had a four day weekend and their mom wanted to know if would like to have them for half of the weekend.  We of course said we would.  Any chance to be with the boys is a good one.   Dan’s been doing pretty bad this week, so I had to go pick up the boys from work, and they were excited to see me, and then we did some shopping together.  They weren’t excited about that, but when I said since you boys were good, we’ll drive through McDonald’s.  So they were even more ecstatic.  

Friday, work went normal, except that my work load is getting smaller as the calling session is coming to a close, and we do not have any agents to call since we’ve contacted most of them already.  Then met up with Alissa at David’s Bridal, and picked out a dress that would fit her when she had a baby belly.   We then went to a house in the ghettos of Saginaw, to get a flower girl dress for $35 dollars.  Oh my goodness what a horrible, white trashy house. It stunk and there was no organization to it what-so-ever.  We quickly decided on the dress because we liked the shoulder straps better than the one at david’s bridal and then went to dinner, which was a bit of a hassle seeing as everything had a wait since it was Friday night.  So we went to Bob Evans and had a good meal.  Alissa was starving and we joked that she’ll be having a boy since she is so hungry.  Had a big meal, and then Alissa went to the bathroom, and that’s when things went downhill.

Two weeks previous when Alissa was about 6 weeks along, she had some bleeding, they did an ultra-sound and were able to find the baby and a heartbeat, and she was ordered to bed rest until the bleeding stopped.  She rested for those two weeks and the bleeding had indeed stopped.  Friday was the first day she’d been out and active.  When Alissa went to the bathroom after dinner she started again.  It was not as bad as the first time, then it became the same, and then it got worse.  Late Saturday night, something large and what appeared to be in a sac had passed and since Shane had been up since 4 AM that morning Alissa asked me to take her to the hospital.  They were able to pretty much confirm our suspicions, that Alissa had a miscarriage.  

It hurts so bad knowing that this happened, and even though it’s completely illogical, I can’t help but feel it’s partly my fault.  I know I shouldn’t.  It’s no one’s fault that these things happen, but that is how I feel.   The question keeps going over and over in my mind, what if she had stayed home and not been so completely selfish about my wedding, she might still be pregnant.   I know they’re not logical, but I do.   I feel the loss of my niece/nephew (technically she’s not my sister, but she’s my best friend, and she’s like a sister and I call her children my nieces and her husband my brother in law) I feel the loss that she’s going through, I feel it all.

Other things that happen are that one of my friends has fallen off the face of the earth.  He’s my tattoo artist and was going to be my DJ for the wedding renewal.  He was supposed to come up this weekend and finish my tattoo, just like we’ve been supposed to meet up for the last four weekends, but something always seems to come up with him.  Saturday, he was supposed to come up to my place and finish it, yet I received no call, no text, no e-mail, nothing.   It doesn’t bother me that something came up and he couldn’t make it.  It bothers me that he did not call me.  So now to get my tattoo finished, I either need to pay someone else, or go back to the tattoo shop where he worked before and they finish it.   Which I have started with, but they need to verify things on their end before they can say, yeah come in we’ll finish it.   Plus I will now need to pay someone to be my DJ.  Alissa’s mom has agreed to be my DJ, but she has to work in the AM, and that worries me that she’ll bail before the party is over or something.  I dunno. 

I just don’t know right now…. And all I want to do is curl up in a ball and just cry right now.

Another long absence.

So quick blog update because I haven’t posted in ages!  Dan and I are renewing our vows, or as a co-worker put it, getting re-married.  Dan was super sweet and proposed to me just before Christmas after I had gotten home from a concert.  It was way sweet and now I am full and headlong into planning mode and I love it. 

I’ve always liked being in charge and cane seem to delegate pretty well.  I like giving other people’s jobs and have them do their best to bring something together.   Though with my wedding, I’m like super control freak, but I realize that’s going to drive me nuts so after much anxiety I relinquished the decorating and setting up of the reception hall to my good friend Lee Anne.  She’ll get everything up and going on my big day, while all the ladies go get pampered. I will also send the guys to go and be her minions, something that she is very excited about. 

Then just this last week my maid of honor, ok technically Matron cause she just got married but it’s all the same to me, found out she is pregnant and is due late September.  I’m way excited for her, and she is going to be waddling down the isle and I think that is the cutest thing in the world.  I’m going to dress her all up. Hehheheh

So I will have to throw her a baby shower because it’s been 6years since her last one, and it’s the first one of her new family, so that makes me excited as I get to plan that.  Some of you, the whole 5 people who read this, will say “But Kat shouldn’t her Mom do something like this?”  Her mom is not really into doing stuff like this, and is busy with her own life.  She has a sister, but she’s way out in Colorado or something like that, and couldn’t manage to make it back for her wedding, so I doubt she would do something like this too.

Then my rescue, Paws for the Cause Feral Cat Rescue, has basically relocated from Texas to Michigan and we are in need of supplies and food for the ferals, and any other animals in need that we come across.  So we are planning a fundraiser, and I’m spearheading that.  My director’s job is to get everyone there, my job is to get everything together. 

So yes, I’m a planning fool and I love each and every minute of it, I would go into my own if I had the guts too, but I don’t.   Maybe I do, I need to look into getting a license and doing some minimal advertising, perhaps more than just putting my name on craigslist.

I had a hysterectomy since the last time I posted, I should’ve posted about that, and the experience that goes with it.  The hardest part since I lost my uterus is not being able to keep track of when my girlie time is.  “But Kat you don’t have periods anymore, why would you have a girlie time?”  The thing is I kept my ovaries so I don’t go into early menopause, which means I still have my monthly cycle, just really hard to keep track of it now, and I turn into an emotional rollercoaster sometimes.   Though yesterday could be due to the fact that I’m planning 3 parties all at the same time.

It started off, I got mad at Dan because he washed my sweater, and then work was rough, and I came home and Dan had done more laundry, and thrown away the junk mail before I had time to look at it.   It wasn’t good, there were multiple times I yelled at him yesterday about the silliest things.  Lee Anne said, “I’m surprised he didn’t try to smother you”  This was in reference that I told her that Dan and I agreed on something but I continued to argue because I just wanted him to say something specific and he wouldn’t. 

Eventually we went to bed still P.Oed at each other, and Dan was still mad the next morning, and I was still an emotional wreck, but after much much talking, we agreed ok, we’re nit-picking on some things and it’s bothering us.  Time to call in a pro to figure out what’s going on.  Even after we decided, Dan had to really convince me because I do not like talking about some things with anyone but Dan, we still talked and parted on good terms.   We decided I need to stop comparing myself to everyone else and just be my own person darnit, and Dan needs to communicate better. 

Part of my little bit of self therapy is doing my blog again.  It’s good to just get my thoughts out there, even though the only people that read this is like 5 people.  Dan, his ex wife, my best friend, and maybe one or two people that are friends with me on facebook.   Yeah, exciting life I lead.  

Which reminds me, my friend Lee Anne, waaaaay better story teller than I am, and I told her she needs to make a blog.   So comment on here and tell her to make a blog and I can show her and say… here other people think you should make a blog too.