Just not feeling it today

So here we are about 6 months from the wedding.  Planning is in full swing and I think I have pretty much everything planned. I have my dress, my veil, my shoes, and my garter.  I have linens, and table wear set up.  I have my vendors all set up.  We’re getting the flowers all ourselves.  My mom is taking care of the centerpieces.  We have the plan of where we’re going to get all the food.  The easy part is over.  Now we just need to pay for it all.

Ok, I’ll be honest with you, today and yesterday I haven’t felt like doing crap.  I feel exhausted and all I want to do is sleep.  I had a horrible weekend.  I’ll start with the good parts though.

We unexpectedly got the boys Thursday night.  They had a four day weekend and their mom wanted to know if would like to have them for half of the weekend.  We of course said we would.  Any chance to be with the boys is a good one.   Dan’s been doing pretty bad this week, so I had to go pick up the boys from work, and they were excited to see me, and then we did some shopping together.  They weren’t excited about that, but when I said since you boys were good, we’ll drive through McDonald’s.  So they were even more ecstatic.  

Friday, work went normal, except that my work load is getting smaller as the calling session is coming to a close, and we do not have any agents to call since we’ve contacted most of them already.  Then met up with Alissa at David’s Bridal, and picked out a dress that would fit her when she had a baby belly.   We then went to a house in the ghettos of Saginaw, to get a flower girl dress for $35 dollars.  Oh my goodness what a horrible, white trashy house. It stunk and there was no organization to it what-so-ever.  We quickly decided on the dress because we liked the shoulder straps better than the one at david’s bridal and then went to dinner, which was a bit of a hassle seeing as everything had a wait since it was Friday night.  So we went to Bob Evans and had a good meal.  Alissa was starving and we joked that she’ll be having a boy since she is so hungry.  Had a big meal, and then Alissa went to the bathroom, and that’s when things went downhill.

Two weeks previous when Alissa was about 6 weeks along, she had some bleeding, they did an ultra-sound and were able to find the baby and a heartbeat, and she was ordered to bed rest until the bleeding stopped.  She rested for those two weeks and the bleeding had indeed stopped.  Friday was the first day she’d been out and active.  When Alissa went to the bathroom after dinner she started again.  It was not as bad as the first time, then it became the same, and then it got worse.  Late Saturday night, something large and what appeared to be in a sac had passed and since Shane had been up since 4 AM that morning Alissa asked me to take her to the hospital.  They were able to pretty much confirm our suspicions, that Alissa had a miscarriage.  

It hurts so bad knowing that this happened, and even though it’s completely illogical, I can’t help but feel it’s partly my fault.  I know I shouldn’t.  It’s no one’s fault that these things happen, but that is how I feel.   The question keeps going over and over in my mind, what if she had stayed home and not been so completely selfish about my wedding, she might still be pregnant.   I know they’re not logical, but I do.   I feel the loss of my niece/nephew (technically she’s not my sister, but she’s my best friend, and she’s like a sister and I call her children my nieces and her husband my brother in law) I feel the loss that she’s going through, I feel it all.

Other things that happen are that one of my friends has fallen off the face of the earth.  He’s my tattoo artist and was going to be my DJ for the wedding renewal.  He was supposed to come up this weekend and finish my tattoo, just like we’ve been supposed to meet up for the last four weekends, but something always seems to come up with him.  Saturday, he was supposed to come up to my place and finish it, yet I received no call, no text, no e-mail, nothing.   It doesn’t bother me that something came up and he couldn’t make it.  It bothers me that he did not call me.  So now to get my tattoo finished, I either need to pay someone else, or go back to the tattoo shop where he worked before and they finish it.   Which I have started with, but they need to verify things on their end before they can say, yeah come in we’ll finish it.   Plus I will now need to pay someone to be my DJ.  Alissa’s mom has agreed to be my DJ, but she has to work in the AM, and that worries me that she’ll bail before the party is over or something.  I dunno. 

I just don’t know right now…. And all I want to do is curl up in a ball and just cry right now.