Favoritism

Hey look at that, another post! Woot keeping my resolution… all right! Ok, onto something serious. I started thinking about this reading a post on Facebook the other night.    

Favoritism, we know it exists, though a lot of people don’t want to recognize it. In my little blog this is when the birth child is favored over the step child. Most step-parents that I know don’t do this, but there are ones that are out there. Sometimes it only seems to happen at the beginning of the relationship, and as the blended family becomes one it goes away, sometimes it’s the family of the parents; the grandparents, the aunts and the uncles. This is normal, the relatives have a deeper connection to the birth child and do not spend a lot of time with the step-child, it’s hard to just see someone a few times a year and have that connection. The problem comes from when they openly show the favoritism in front of the children, both step and birth and that’s what I want to focus on today.

What the step parent and the new relatives of the step child need to do is NOT to do that. No matter how they feel they need to treat each child exactly the same. If you buy something for one kid, then you need to buy something for the other kid, of equal value. If your parents buy something for your child, they need to buy something for your step child. If they have pictures all over of their grandchild/niece/nephew, well it’s time to put up pictures of the step child. They may not like it, but they are now step-grandparents/uncles/aunts, and the children have them as step grandparents/uncles/aunts through no fault of their own. Step kids are thrown into these relationships whether they like it or not, and they will feel insecure about spending time with them. To fawn all over the birth child and ignore the step-child will only increase their insecurity. The children will think, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I left out?” So if you see this happening, you need to tell your family and your friends, “These are all my children and you will treat them as such”

A co-worker of my mom overheard her talking about her grandchildren and said, “I didn't know your daughter had kids” Looking all miffed that she missed this big event. My mom says, “Well she didn't she married a man that had two boys, and those are my grandchildren” This woman had the nerve to say, “Well they’re not really your grandchildren.” When Mom told me this I wanted to find this woman and punch her in the face. My mom loves the boys and spoils them absolutely rotten, they so look forward to going to my parents because she gives them toys and money and treats, and basically spoils them rotten like any grandparent. I told my mom, “Technically they are your step-grandchildren, but they love you like a grandma and you love them like a grandma henceforth you are a grandma.” It’s people like my mom’s co-worker who cause me to write this particular blog.

Now another part of this is the inadvertent favoritism. You don’t mean to do it, but you do. The way I see this happening is when the step-child goes to spend some time at the birth parent, the step-parent and spouse and birth child go do some activities, and when the stepchild comes back you talk all about it, and how great it was. Think of it this way, you go to visit a friend, and while you’re gone your family goes shopping, goes out to dinner goes to an amusement park, or goes to sports game. When you return they tell you all about it, how great it was, and all you did at your friend’s house is normal every day activities. Now that wouldn't feel the greatest now would it? Everyone had a great time while you were gone… why don’t you just stay away?

But, I bet you’re saying, “Well we have fun when they’re here, we go out to dinner, and play games and go to sports events, so why does it matter that we do the same when they’re not here?” Key words there are they are not there. You can do something right 99 times, but the 1 time that you do something wrong, that is what everyone remembers. Just ask skydivers, 6 years later and I’m still reminded on a regular basis about my malfunction that was caught on tape. The same goes for kids; that one time will stick in their memory forever. Now I’m not saying do nothing while your step kid is with their birth parent, but don’t dwell on it, and don’t mention it that often. Also try to save the big things for when everyone is together. Is that inconvenient? Is it annoying? Yeah it’s annoying to schedule things around when you have all the kids together, but guess what you’re in this situation and you need to make it livable for everyone.

So in conclusion, if you or your family doesn't feel that special connection with the step-child, it’s time to fake it till you make it. There have been studies that even dogs will feel envy and jealously if another dog is getting more attention than them, how much more intense are those feelings in young children? When kids feel ignored, or when they think everyone likes their step-sibling better than them, this leads to hurt feelings and resentment, which in turn leads to behavior issues, which causes everyone stress, and no one wants that. 

Holidays and Listening

Well the hustle and bustle of the holiday season is over.. and my resolution is to be more organized and be more motivated.  To do that I've moved my computer into the back computer room and not have it out in the living room to distract me as much.

Now I'll tell you how the holidays went as a step parent - before I do that remember, we have an awesome relationship with the boys mom.

By the way - Reader's discretion - We will be discussing things little children may not want to read or hear.  You've been warned

It went great, the boys loved their presents and they were very happy.

This year we dropped the Santa bomb.  The boys Mom and I had been discussing it for quite some time, and I was really nervous about it.   I knew that we couldn't afford to get a big present from Santa and from us, and Gina (not her real name, but don't want to say her name if she doesn't want me too) was feeling the same thing.

The thing was, I didn't want to do it and their dad was just going to tell them (the same way he told them about sex... oi, but that's another story) and I said, no we have to do this gently.  A few weeks after Halloween,  I started talking about Santa, and Nicky just bursts out. "That's ok, Mama told us about Santa, and how you guys buy the presents" Ben pops up, "Yeah there's no Santa"

Ok great, we'll just go ahead and go along with that, and I was grateful Christmas wasn't going to be as expensive (at least I thought that then).  Anyways, the weekend before Thanksgiving my mom's work had a package to go view the lights before christmas at the toledo zoo.  She bought tickets for the whole family, and we went down. Walking around, I ask the boys if they wanted to see Santa, Nicky shook his head, but then Ben got all excited.  (I realize that I probably shouldn't have asked that)  So I said we'll see if we have time, and Ben got distracted by other things that night.

So when Gina came and picked up the boys on Sunday, I told her about it, and she let me know that Ben's Para Pro had told Ben that she believed in Santa and that was enough for Ben.  (His morning para pro can move the earth and stars in Ben's eyes).

So then over the course of the next few weeks, I found out that Ben had a little girlfriend and that Nicky had been missing homework.  We only found out because the boys got in trouble, and I was a little irked by this. I was like we need to know these things, but then I realized.. we hadn't asked. Every time the boys would come to our house, we would ask them about school, and when Gina would come pick them up. We would say hi, here's their stuff, they're homework is done... and bye.  That's it. So I realized if I want to know more about what is going on in school. I need to ask.

I realize I don't tell the boys mom if something happened on our end, and she doesn't do the same because in the whole 5 mins that we spend together when switching kids, it has to do more with what's going on right then and there and saying goodbye to the boys.  When I ask the boys what's going on in school, I usually get a shrug, most kids are the same and they'll tell you stuff but not the whole nine yards.

So my lesson from that, was simply, we need to ask about the boys and what is going on in school.. if we don't know, it's our own fault.

So, you want to know what is going on with the kids, ASK... talk to the ex and go in with calm and respect. Will it work right away?  Probably not.. it's going to take some time, because there are hurt feelings there.  Yet, you are in each other's life for the rest of your lives and well you better get use to it so learn how to talk to them, and keep learning because it is easy to forget as I am showcasing this right now.

Well, until next time, if I can keep my resolution.