Favoritism

Hey look at that, another post! Woot keeping my resolution… all right! Ok, onto something serious. I started thinking about this reading a post on Facebook the other night.    

Favoritism, we know it exists, though a lot of people don’t want to recognize it. In my little blog this is when the birth child is favored over the step child. Most step-parents that I know don’t do this, but there are ones that are out there. Sometimes it only seems to happen at the beginning of the relationship, and as the blended family becomes one it goes away, sometimes it’s the family of the parents; the grandparents, the aunts and the uncles. This is normal, the relatives have a deeper connection to the birth child and do not spend a lot of time with the step-child, it’s hard to just see someone a few times a year and have that connection. The problem comes from when they openly show the favoritism in front of the children, both step and birth and that’s what I want to focus on today.

What the step parent and the new relatives of the step child need to do is NOT to do that. No matter how they feel they need to treat each child exactly the same. If you buy something for one kid, then you need to buy something for the other kid, of equal value. If your parents buy something for your child, they need to buy something for your step child. If they have pictures all over of their grandchild/niece/nephew, well it’s time to put up pictures of the step child. They may not like it, but they are now step-grandparents/uncles/aunts, and the children have them as step grandparents/uncles/aunts through no fault of their own. Step kids are thrown into these relationships whether they like it or not, and they will feel insecure about spending time with them. To fawn all over the birth child and ignore the step-child will only increase their insecurity. The children will think, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I left out?” So if you see this happening, you need to tell your family and your friends, “These are all my children and you will treat them as such”

A co-worker of my mom overheard her talking about her grandchildren and said, “I didn't know your daughter had kids” Looking all miffed that she missed this big event. My mom says, “Well she didn't she married a man that had two boys, and those are my grandchildren” This woman had the nerve to say, “Well they’re not really your grandchildren.” When Mom told me this I wanted to find this woman and punch her in the face. My mom loves the boys and spoils them absolutely rotten, they so look forward to going to my parents because she gives them toys and money and treats, and basically spoils them rotten like any grandparent. I told my mom, “Technically they are your step-grandchildren, but they love you like a grandma and you love them like a grandma henceforth you are a grandma.” It’s people like my mom’s co-worker who cause me to write this particular blog.

Now another part of this is the inadvertent favoritism. You don’t mean to do it, but you do. The way I see this happening is when the step-child goes to spend some time at the birth parent, the step-parent and spouse and birth child go do some activities, and when the stepchild comes back you talk all about it, and how great it was. Think of it this way, you go to visit a friend, and while you’re gone your family goes shopping, goes out to dinner goes to an amusement park, or goes to sports game. When you return they tell you all about it, how great it was, and all you did at your friend’s house is normal every day activities. Now that wouldn't feel the greatest now would it? Everyone had a great time while you were gone… why don’t you just stay away?

But, I bet you’re saying, “Well we have fun when they’re here, we go out to dinner, and play games and go to sports events, so why does it matter that we do the same when they’re not here?” Key words there are they are not there. You can do something right 99 times, but the 1 time that you do something wrong, that is what everyone remembers. Just ask skydivers, 6 years later and I’m still reminded on a regular basis about my malfunction that was caught on tape. The same goes for kids; that one time will stick in their memory forever. Now I’m not saying do nothing while your step kid is with their birth parent, but don’t dwell on it, and don’t mention it that often. Also try to save the big things for when everyone is together. Is that inconvenient? Is it annoying? Yeah it’s annoying to schedule things around when you have all the kids together, but guess what you’re in this situation and you need to make it livable for everyone.

So in conclusion, if you or your family doesn't feel that special connection with the step-child, it’s time to fake it till you make it. There have been studies that even dogs will feel envy and jealously if another dog is getting more attention than them, how much more intense are those feelings in young children? When kids feel ignored, or when they think everyone likes their step-sibling better than them, this leads to hurt feelings and resentment, which in turn leads to behavior issues, which causes everyone stress, and no one wants that.