Friday the 22nd of November 1963 the world was forever change. They say that the shot that started the Revolutionary War was the Shot heard round the world.
JFK's assignation was the 3 shots heard around the world. There were many reports yesterday of how that day changed the united states, the presidency, the secret service, and even media. There were different types of stories and such
I heard a story on NPR yesterday, From Fresh Air, How the assignation changed Live TV today. That is the one that stuck with me the most. Very rarely did networks use live TV, because it was just too expensive. That was one of the few times also that the networks decided to cancel commercials. Spending all that money to use live TV, and not getting commercial money.
Yet because of that day, there is not a day goes by that every president since has not had a live TV camera with them. It was because of that decision, that they were able to catch the assignation of Lee Harvey Oswald. If you think about it a little deeper, would our need for social media news and the up to the date information that we need be what it is?
What would social media change the way that Americans reacted to the assignation? Granted, thanks to TV, America and the world knew about within 10 mins. (That was how long it took for the TV networks to change over). We would know the minute it happen, and have clear video of it, from 10 different angles, from cell phones everywhere. There would be reports that would be given out, only to be retracted later as incorrect. There would be raw Facebook posts of JFK, there would be pictures possibly pointing out the wrong person and people looking for one maintenance main on a room.
Would that improve the impact? Or would it lessen it?
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Saturday, November 23, 2013
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Juggling the holidays with the step-kids, the other parents family, and trying not to top the other parent.
Anyone who knew me before I married into my blended family, knew I was not the most organize person, and I'm not all the organized now. That's changed a lot in the last 7 years I've been with my husband. I went from a carefree lifestyle, only having to worry about where my parents wanted me and when for the holidays to juggling my schedule, husbands schedule, their mom's schedule, and their step-dad's schedule.
I've said it once and I'll say it again. I'm extremely lucky to be able to work with the boys mom as easily as we do. For example, parent teacher conferences were this week. We took the boys while she went. I know we would've loved to be there with the teachers, but I had to work late, so did her husband, and so my husband went and got the kids and stayed with them that night.
However it's the holidays. Which cause all types of drama in and of themselves, and why not throw everyone wanting to spend time with the kids while we are at it?
I love my mom, and she is a wonderful, caring and devoted person. She also insists, that my family does Christmas on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. When my husband and I first got together, I wanted to strangle her, because there have been years where the boys didn't get to see my parents tree, or see my parents for Christmas because it just didn't work out with what we had worked out with the boys mom.
In situations like these EVERYONE needs to be flexible. Christmas is just a day, like any other, if you really think about it. The point of Christmas is time together with your family, sharing and giving gifts and having a good time. So what if it's on December 18th instead of the 25th? The point is for everyone to be together and share in the love.
Every year just around Halloween/beginning of November we sit down and figure out the holidays and who has the kids where and when. It's a struggle, but we do it for the boys so that they can have the best of both worlds.
This time of year is extremely stressful for everyone, Psychology Today states that in 2011 step-families out number traditional families, and parents, step-parents, and even older step kids feel it acutely because of the blended families.
Please just relax!! Work with the other parents, don't think YOU have to get them that certain present because you want to see like the cooler parent in the kids eyes. We usually work with the boys mom so that they can get everything they want. Last year, she got them the wii U.. we got them tablets. The kids were ecstatic all around and they loved it. They have traditions with us, and they have traditions with them. Believe it or not, the kids can tell when you're trying to compete. Just be yourself and try not to pull your hair out.
I've said it once and I'll say it again. I'm extremely lucky to be able to work with the boys mom as easily as we do. For example, parent teacher conferences were this week. We took the boys while she went. I know we would've loved to be there with the teachers, but I had to work late, so did her husband, and so my husband went and got the kids and stayed with them that night.
However it's the holidays. Which cause all types of drama in and of themselves, and why not throw everyone wanting to spend time with the kids while we are at it?
I love my mom, and she is a wonderful, caring and devoted person. She also insists, that my family does Christmas on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. When my husband and I first got together, I wanted to strangle her, because there have been years where the boys didn't get to see my parents tree, or see my parents for Christmas because it just didn't work out with what we had worked out with the boys mom.
In situations like these EVERYONE needs to be flexible. Christmas is just a day, like any other, if you really think about it. The point of Christmas is time together with your family, sharing and giving gifts and having a good time. So what if it's on December 18th instead of the 25th? The point is for everyone to be together and share in the love.
Every year just around Halloween/beginning of November we sit down and figure out the holidays and who has the kids where and when. It's a struggle, but we do it for the boys so that they can have the best of both worlds.
This time of year is extremely stressful for everyone, Psychology Today states that in 2011 step-families out number traditional families, and parents, step-parents, and even older step kids feel it acutely because of the blended families.
Please just relax!! Work with the other parents, don't think YOU have to get them that certain present because you want to see like the cooler parent in the kids eyes. We usually work with the boys mom so that they can get everything they want. Last year, she got them the wii U.. we got them tablets. The kids were ecstatic all around and they loved it. They have traditions with us, and they have traditions with them. Believe it or not, the kids can tell when you're trying to compete. Just be yourself and try not to pull your hair out.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Walking down the aisle again, vow renewals.
Last year my husband and I renewed our wedding vows after 5 years of marriage. During the planning process a lot of people asked us why we were renewing our vows. Well, our wedding took less than 10 mins. It was at 11am, and we were done by 11:07, and we even got pictures! 
Doesn't the magistrate look so excited?! Yeah, it wasn't my ideal wedding and the husband suprised me during Christmas 2011 and proposed to me again.
So then came the planning, and the money, and everything that went in between. It was quite hectic, but I wouldn't have traded anything for it. It was my dream wedding and it was my dream day.
So that brings me back to my post, why have a renewal? You got married before, why do it again? There are a lot of reasons why, and what a lot of couples do is the one that I just mentioned. Another one, is, to celebrate a major wedding anniversary. The 25th, 50th, etc. It's also a great way to re-connect with your spouse.
Not really talkitive tonight, but thanks for listening.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Favoritism
Hey look at that, another post! Woot
keeping my resolution… all right! Ok, onto something serious. I started
thinking about this reading a post on Facebook the other night.
Favoritism, we know it exists, though a lot of people don’t want to recognize it. In my little blog this is when the birth child is favored over the step child. Most step-parents that I know don’t do this, but there are ones that are out there. Sometimes it only seems to happen at the beginning of the relationship, and as the blended family becomes one it goes away, sometimes it’s the family of the parents; the grandparents, the aunts and the uncles. This is normal, the relatives have a deeper connection to the birth child and do not spend a lot of time with the step-child, it’s hard to just see someone a few times a year and have that connection. The problem comes from when they openly show the favoritism in front of the children, both step and birth and that’s what I want to focus on today.
What the step parent and the new relatives of the step child need to do is NOT to do that. No matter how they feel they need to treat each child exactly the same. If you buy something for one kid, then you need to buy something for the other kid, of equal value. If your parents buy something for your child, they need to buy something for your step child. If they have pictures all over of their grandchild/niece/nephew, well it’s time to put up pictures of the step child. They may not like it, but they are now step-grandparents/uncles/aunts, and the children have them as step grandparents/uncles/aunts through no fault of their own. Step kids are thrown into these relationships whether they like it or not, and they will feel insecure about spending time with them. To fawn all over the birth child and ignore the step-child will only increase their insecurity. The children will think, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I left out?” So if you see this happening, you need to tell your family and your friends, “These are all my children and you will treat them as such”
A co-worker of my mom overheard her talking about her grandchildren and said, “I didn't know your daughter had kids” Looking all miffed that she missed this big event. My mom says, “Well she didn't she married a man that had two boys, and those are my grandchildren” This woman had the nerve to say, “Well they’re not really your grandchildren.” When Mom told me this I wanted to find this woman and punch her in the face. My mom loves the boys and spoils them absolutely rotten, they so look forward to going to my parents because she gives them toys and money and treats, and basically spoils them rotten like any grandparent. I told my mom, “Technically they are your step-grandchildren, but they love you like a grandma and you love them like a grandma henceforth you are a grandma.” It’s people like my mom’s co-worker who cause me to write this particular blog.
Now another part of this is the inadvertent favoritism. You don’t mean to do it, but you do. The way I see this happening is when the step-child goes to spend some time at the birth parent, the step-parent and spouse and birth child go do some activities, and when the stepchild comes back you talk all about it, and how great it was. Think of it this way, you go to visit a friend, and while you’re gone your family goes shopping, goes out to dinner goes to an amusement park, or goes to sports game. When you return they tell you all about it, how great it was, and all you did at your friend’s house is normal every day activities. Now that wouldn't feel the greatest now would it? Everyone had a great time while you were gone… why don’t you just stay away?
But, I bet you’re saying, “Well we have fun when they’re here, we go out to dinner, and play games and go to sports events, so why does it matter that we do the same when they’re not here?” Key words there are they are not there. You can do something right 99 times, but the 1 time that you do something wrong, that is what everyone remembers. Just ask skydivers, 6 years later and I’m still reminded on a regular basis about my malfunction that was caught on tape. The same goes for kids; that one time will stick in their memory forever. Now I’m not saying do nothing while your step kid is with their birth parent, but don’t dwell on it, and don’t mention it that often. Also try to save the big things for when everyone is together. Is that inconvenient? Is it annoying? Yeah it’s annoying to schedule things around when you have all the kids together, but guess what you’re in this situation and you need to make it livable for everyone.
So in conclusion, if you or your family doesn't feel that special connection with the step-child, it’s time to fake it till you make it. There have been studies that even dogs will feel envy and jealously if another dog is getting more attention than them, how much more intense are those feelings in young children? When kids feel ignored, or when they think everyone likes their step-sibling better than them, this leads to hurt feelings and resentment, which in turn leads to behavior issues, which causes everyone stress, and no one wants that.
Favoritism, we know it exists, though a lot of people don’t want to recognize it. In my little blog this is when the birth child is favored over the step child. Most step-parents that I know don’t do this, but there are ones that are out there. Sometimes it only seems to happen at the beginning of the relationship, and as the blended family becomes one it goes away, sometimes it’s the family of the parents; the grandparents, the aunts and the uncles. This is normal, the relatives have a deeper connection to the birth child and do not spend a lot of time with the step-child, it’s hard to just see someone a few times a year and have that connection. The problem comes from when they openly show the favoritism in front of the children, both step and birth and that’s what I want to focus on today.
What the step parent and the new relatives of the step child need to do is NOT to do that. No matter how they feel they need to treat each child exactly the same. If you buy something for one kid, then you need to buy something for the other kid, of equal value. If your parents buy something for your child, they need to buy something for your step child. If they have pictures all over of their grandchild/niece/nephew, well it’s time to put up pictures of the step child. They may not like it, but they are now step-grandparents/uncles/aunts, and the children have them as step grandparents/uncles/aunts through no fault of their own. Step kids are thrown into these relationships whether they like it or not, and they will feel insecure about spending time with them. To fawn all over the birth child and ignore the step-child will only increase their insecurity. The children will think, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I left out?” So if you see this happening, you need to tell your family and your friends, “These are all my children and you will treat them as such”
A co-worker of my mom overheard her talking about her grandchildren and said, “I didn't know your daughter had kids” Looking all miffed that she missed this big event. My mom says, “Well she didn't she married a man that had two boys, and those are my grandchildren” This woman had the nerve to say, “Well they’re not really your grandchildren.” When Mom told me this I wanted to find this woman and punch her in the face. My mom loves the boys and spoils them absolutely rotten, they so look forward to going to my parents because she gives them toys and money and treats, and basically spoils them rotten like any grandparent. I told my mom, “Technically they are your step-grandchildren, but they love you like a grandma and you love them like a grandma henceforth you are a grandma.” It’s people like my mom’s co-worker who cause me to write this particular blog.
Now another part of this is the inadvertent favoritism. You don’t mean to do it, but you do. The way I see this happening is when the step-child goes to spend some time at the birth parent, the step-parent and spouse and birth child go do some activities, and when the stepchild comes back you talk all about it, and how great it was. Think of it this way, you go to visit a friend, and while you’re gone your family goes shopping, goes out to dinner goes to an amusement park, or goes to sports game. When you return they tell you all about it, how great it was, and all you did at your friend’s house is normal every day activities. Now that wouldn't feel the greatest now would it? Everyone had a great time while you were gone… why don’t you just stay away?
But, I bet you’re saying, “Well we have fun when they’re here, we go out to dinner, and play games and go to sports events, so why does it matter that we do the same when they’re not here?” Key words there are they are not there. You can do something right 99 times, but the 1 time that you do something wrong, that is what everyone remembers. Just ask skydivers, 6 years later and I’m still reminded on a regular basis about my malfunction that was caught on tape. The same goes for kids; that one time will stick in their memory forever. Now I’m not saying do nothing while your step kid is with their birth parent, but don’t dwell on it, and don’t mention it that often. Also try to save the big things for when everyone is together. Is that inconvenient? Is it annoying? Yeah it’s annoying to schedule things around when you have all the kids together, but guess what you’re in this situation and you need to make it livable for everyone.
So in conclusion, if you or your family doesn't feel that special connection with the step-child, it’s time to fake it till you make it. There have been studies that even dogs will feel envy and jealously if another dog is getting more attention than them, how much more intense are those feelings in young children? When kids feel ignored, or when they think everyone likes their step-sibling better than them, this leads to hurt feelings and resentment, which in turn leads to behavior issues, which causes everyone stress, and no one wants that.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Holidays and Listening
Well the hustle and bustle of the holiday season is over.. and my resolution is to be more organized and be more motivated. To do that I've moved my computer into the back computer room and not have it out in the living room to distract me as much.
Now I'll tell you how the holidays went as a step parent - before I do that remember, we have an awesome relationship with the boys mom.
By the way - Reader's discretion - We will be discussing things little children may not want to read or hear. You've been warned
It went great, the boys loved their presents and they were very happy.
This year we dropped the Santa bomb. The boys Mom and I had been discussing it for quite some time, and I was really nervous about it. I knew that we couldn't afford to get a big present from Santa and from us, and Gina (not her real name, but don't want to say her name if she doesn't want me too) was feeling the same thing.
The thing was, I didn't want to do it and their dad was just going to tell them (the same way he told them about sex... oi, but that's another story) and I said, no we have to do this gently. A few weeks after Halloween, I started talking about Santa, and Nicky just bursts out. "That's ok, Mama told us about Santa, and how you guys buy the presents" Ben pops up, "Yeah there's no Santa"
Ok great, we'll just go ahead and go along with that, and I was grateful Christmas wasn't going to be as expensive (at least I thought that then). Anyways, the weekend before Thanksgiving my mom's work had a package to go view the lights before christmas at the toledo zoo. She bought tickets for the whole family, and we went down. Walking around, I ask the boys if they wanted to see Santa, Nicky shook his head, but then Ben got all excited. (I realize that I probably shouldn't have asked that) So I said we'll see if we have time, and Ben got distracted by other things that night.
So when Gina came and picked up the boys on Sunday, I told her about it, and she let me know that Ben's Para Pro had told Ben that she believed in Santa and that was enough for Ben. (His morning para pro can move the earth and stars in Ben's eyes).
So then over the course of the next few weeks, I found out that Ben had a little girlfriend and that Nicky had been missing homework. We only found out because the boys got in trouble, and I was a little irked by this. I was like we need to know these things, but then I realized.. we hadn't asked. Every time the boys would come to our house, we would ask them about school, and when Gina would come pick them up. We would say hi, here's their stuff, they're homework is done... and bye. That's it. So I realized if I want to know more about what is going on in school. I need to ask.
I realize I don't tell the boys mom if something happened on our end, and she doesn't do the same because in the whole 5 mins that we spend together when switching kids, it has to do more with what's going on right then and there and saying goodbye to the boys. When I ask the boys what's going on in school, I usually get a shrug, most kids are the same and they'll tell you stuff but not the whole nine yards.
So my lesson from that, was simply, we need to ask about the boys and what is going on in school.. if we don't know, it's our own fault.
So, you want to know what is going on with the kids, ASK... talk to the ex and go in with calm and respect. Will it work right away? Probably not.. it's going to take some time, because there are hurt feelings there. Yet, you are in each other's life for the rest of your lives and well you better get use to it so learn how to talk to them, and keep learning because it is easy to forget as I am showcasing this right now.
Well, until next time, if I can keep my resolution.
Now I'll tell you how the holidays went as a step parent - before I do that remember, we have an awesome relationship with the boys mom.
By the way - Reader's discretion - We will be discussing things little children may not want to read or hear. You've been warned
It went great, the boys loved their presents and they were very happy.
This year we dropped the Santa bomb. The boys Mom and I had been discussing it for quite some time, and I was really nervous about it. I knew that we couldn't afford to get a big present from Santa and from us, and Gina (not her real name, but don't want to say her name if she doesn't want me too) was feeling the same thing.
The thing was, I didn't want to do it and their dad was just going to tell them (the same way he told them about sex... oi, but that's another story) and I said, no we have to do this gently. A few weeks after Halloween, I started talking about Santa, and Nicky just bursts out. "That's ok, Mama told us about Santa, and how you guys buy the presents" Ben pops up, "Yeah there's no Santa"
Ok great, we'll just go ahead and go along with that, and I was grateful Christmas wasn't going to be as expensive (at least I thought that then). Anyways, the weekend before Thanksgiving my mom's work had a package to go view the lights before christmas at the toledo zoo. She bought tickets for the whole family, and we went down. Walking around, I ask the boys if they wanted to see Santa, Nicky shook his head, but then Ben got all excited. (I realize that I probably shouldn't have asked that) So I said we'll see if we have time, and Ben got distracted by other things that night.
So when Gina came and picked up the boys on Sunday, I told her about it, and she let me know that Ben's Para Pro had told Ben that she believed in Santa and that was enough for Ben. (His morning para pro can move the earth and stars in Ben's eyes).
So then over the course of the next few weeks, I found out that Ben had a little girlfriend and that Nicky had been missing homework. We only found out because the boys got in trouble, and I was a little irked by this. I was like we need to know these things, but then I realized.. we hadn't asked. Every time the boys would come to our house, we would ask them about school, and when Gina would come pick them up. We would say hi, here's their stuff, they're homework is done... and bye. That's it. So I realized if I want to know more about what is going on in school. I need to ask.
I realize I don't tell the boys mom if something happened on our end, and she doesn't do the same because in the whole 5 mins that we spend together when switching kids, it has to do more with what's going on right then and there and saying goodbye to the boys. When I ask the boys what's going on in school, I usually get a shrug, most kids are the same and they'll tell you stuff but not the whole nine yards.
So my lesson from that, was simply, we need to ask about the boys and what is going on in school.. if we don't know, it's our own fault.
So, you want to know what is going on with the kids, ASK... talk to the ex and go in with calm and respect. Will it work right away? Probably not.. it's going to take some time, because there are hurt feelings there. Yet, you are in each other's life for the rest of your lives and well you better get use to it so learn how to talk to them, and keep learning because it is easy to forget as I am showcasing this right now.
Well, until next time, if I can keep my resolution.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Being a Step-Parent
So far my blog has been mostly me talking about my life, and what is going on. Nothing too extreme or interesting in any way shape or form.
Well for a while now I've been looking on Facebook and seeing a lot of my single parent friends make comments about the non custodial parents, and other step parents make posts about dealing with baby mama, or baby daddy drama.
Now, I'm a step-parent and have been officially one for 5 years, unofficially for 7. Lots of time I like to offer advice to others about how to be a step-parent. So I thought about turning it into a blog, but before I get into all of that. Let me tell you the story of how I came to be a step-parent. It's not pretty, I'm not proud of some of the things I've done, but it all turned out beautifully and I love my life.
It all started about 7 years ago. I was married to a man who was still a child, and was looking for someone to take care of him. His weed and his friends meant more to him than I did. I worked a full time job, and went to school full time pulling 13 hour days Monday - Saturday. During that time I meet my current husband, and he was still married to his first wife. Things weren't going great in their marriage either. I won't go into details, that's her story to tell, but we were both looking for ways out.
Things came to a head with my husband and I, and I left him. I had other places to stay, but in my short sightedness, I did not think I had one so I went to live with my current husband and his wife. Let me tell you something, this is a BAD idea. The drama that ensued afterward probably took about 15 years off everyone's life that was in that house, however I meet the boys for the first time, and even changed my first diaper, while everyone laughed at me because I was 25 years old and never changed a diaper.
7 months later things came to a major head and everything came out in the open, and everyone officially knew everything. I am almost positive that my husband's ex-wife knew, but she didn't say anything. My husband said that he wanted to work on the relationship with his first wife, and I had to go. So I went with a broken heart and started to live life on my own. Then about two weeks later, I get a call, his ex-wife said they needed to talk and he thought this was it. Now during my stay there, they said this pretty much every month and they always worked it and I said so, but if he needed a place to stay, to call me to get directions.
I did not expect to get a call, and was planning on heading to bed, when I got a call and he was on his way. So I gave him directions. We spent the weekend together and we've been together ever since. At the time Dan was wanting to just leave everything behind and start a new life, it seemed easier. Thank goodness for his ex-wife who said NO, these boys need you and you will be a part of their lives, and so it began.
At that time we all kind of made a silent agreement to do stuff for the kids. Both my husband and his ex-wife went to the SMILE course that was required for their divorce and they actually paid attention to it. Now the emotions between us and her were a roller coaster, but we always made sure to do what is best for the kids.
I can not tell you enough how important it is for everyone to make sure what they are doing is what is best for the kids.
In my blog I will still talk about my day to day activities, but also my adventures as a step-parent and the adventures of the other step-parents I know. So my first word of advice is that you will never match up to the birth parent. No matter what.
There are a few exceptions to the rule, but for the most part the kids will always want their birth parent. I've seen this in a lot of different aspects. No matter how the step parent is far superior to the birth parent in parenting skills, the birth parent is before you. I have seen where the birth parent has said that they do not have time to see their children to the actual child, and the step parent comes in and saves the day. The second the birth parent says yeah I'll see you if I have to, the birth child will go with the birth parent. You could be the most awesome step-parent in the world, but kids want their mom or dad.
Sometimes this is not the case when the child doesn't know their parent. When the birth parent has never even met the child. Unfortunately this happens more than not, and it irks me that people are like that. That's another rant for another day.
Here's the thing, no matter what do not try to be the parent because you are not the parent. You are the step-parent. By trying to be the parent or be better than the parent because you are just putting the child in a spot that is not good for them. You're forcing the child to choose between two people that they love. Don't ask them what their parent is doing or who do like better, or anything that would put their parent down, because they are just going to say what they think you want to hear because they do not want to make you mad or hurt your feelings, and then if you bring it up in front of the parent that really makes the child uncomfortable.
The most important thing you can do in this situation is to simply be there for the kid. Listen to them, do not be judgmental and do not speak badly about their birth parent in front of them. When was the last time you wanted to hear something bad about the person you love and love the person saying it too much that you didn't want to say anything to stop them? Sounds like an awkward position right? Do you want to put a young kid in that position?
Well what about when the kid doesn't like you? Well that's in our next installment. Have a great week!
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